Wrong
by Lillei
Summary: People kept saying things were so wrong between them, but it felt so right. RemusSirius Remus pov


Hello! Welcome to my story. It's a one shot, but it's incredibly long, for a one-shot. Please, forgive me. I know I haven't update Ugly in forever- blame it on this story.

Now,a small announcement- after this story and after I finish Ugly, I will be doing very few slash stories. I'm craving a Harry era story more reminicent of JK's style. So, please enjoy Wrong, as it's the last for a while.

Disclaimer- obviously, I don't own it.

* * *

**September 1, 1973**

Lounging in a compartment towards the end of the train, Remus was sharply aware of the absence of his comrades. As it was only their third year at Hogwarts, it was unsurprising, really, that they hadn't had the foresight to pick a predetermined meeting place. This knowledge, however, did nothing to soothe Remus's doubts, for though he was as logical as they came, he was also a worrier, almost to a fault.

After all, perhaps they had gotten together without him and begun to talk and one of them had tactlessly mentioned how very annoying they found him, and of course, the other's had jumped at the chance to agree and dish about just _why_ he was so annoying and then-

"Remus!" The compartment door flew open, yanking Remus from his thoughts. Next thing he knew, three pairs of arms were attempting to hug him, shake his hand, or pat his shoulder; three pairs of legs were bouncing excitedly under his (rather bewildered) nose; and three pairs of eyes were rolling excitedly in his direction, trying to snag his attention. Belatedly coming to his senses, Remus tossed his arms around his closest friends and gave a strangled greeting from beneath the dog pile of bodies. Attempting to shove them away did little; they were soon involved in quite the scuffle.

"Where have you been-"

"Looking for you-"

"Our letters?"

"Your summer?"

"Looking for you!"

"Saw Evans once-"

"Looking all over!"

With Sirius's last yelled remark, the compartment fell silent before erupting in laughter. The boys extracted their limbs from around each others' and moved to their seats, amid occasional chuckles. Sirius threw one arm over Remus and began to babble again.

"No seriously, we were looking all over and found each other and thought you'd died-"

"Whoa, whoa!" Remus said, laughing, as at the same time James and Peter began to deny thinking anything of the sort. "I've been right here, and yes, I gathered that you were looking for me, rather frantically, if you launching yourself at me is any indication. Yes I got your letters, thank you for sending them. Congratulations on seeing Lily James. My summer was bearable, thank you. And yours?"

The others laughed.

"Remus, Remus, Remus," Sirius sighed affectionately, ruffling his friend's hair. "Always so polite and precise. You'd think we were strangers!" He clapped Remus on the shoulder and grinned in a very mischievous way.

"Why are you grinning like that, Sirius?" James asked almost fearfully. "I know you didn't have that good of a summer, with your family."

"Oh, but Jim, my simple minded friend, you are quite wrong. The fact that my parents were so outraged at my success in Gryffindor only made my holiday better. Besides, don't you remember what we spent the train ride home doing?"

"Came up with non-magical pranks- Oh Sirius you didn't!" Peter gasped.

"I did. Regulus was quite upset! I can't imagine why though." They laughed and listened as James actively told them of his own summer, using several hand motions.

"And then, and then, and then-"

"Get to it, James!"

"And then she says, 'get off it Potter. I'm certainly not here to see you'! Can you believe her?" Laughter filled the compartment.

"James, I hate to break it to you, but more than likely Lily was in Diagon alley to get her school supplies," Remus pointed out. James harrumphed and looked unconvinced.

"Doesn't matter anyway. S'just a girl," James said sulkily. Remus rolled his eyes doubtfully.

"Oh, oh, oh!" Peter gasped suddenly. "Speaking of girls,- or the lack thereof- I've got something to tell you!"

"What, what, what?" Sirius asked, bouncing in his seat like an overactive puppy.

"You'll never guess," Peter gushed.

"Then tell us," James groaned.

"All right. So you've all met my brother right?" They nodded. "Well he went on to work at the ministry, trying to get some teaching license or something. But anyway, he brings a friend home from work with him one night. Just for us to meet. Of course, it's much too late to send him home after supper and Mum insists he stays. But the boy just shakes his head and says his _boyfriend_ would wonder where he'd got to."

There was a moment of comprehending silence.

"OH!" James gasped. "Are you telling us he was…_with_…a guy…wha?"

"Yep," Peter said, enjoying having their full attention.

"Whoa-oh-oh!" James gasped, laughing through the words. "Well, there's a new one. I mean…I've heard…but never heard…_firsthand_…whoa!"

"Isn't it gross?" Peter said. "He even showed us the guy's picture! Mum nearly died!"

"And your brother?" Remus asked, slightly stiff.

"Oh, Brandon already knew. Surprisingly, he got mad that Mum and Dad found it upsetting. Of course, they accused him-"

"Of being…gay?" Sirius asked, hesitantly.

"Yeah! And he said that just because he could accept people who were different than him didn't mean he would become like them and of course, he and Mum had a huge row and it was really crazy for the next couple of weeks!"

"You think he really is that way?" James asked.

"Dunno," Peter shrugged. "But-_ew_!- I hope not. Imagine, kissing a boy!"

"I think your brother's right," Remus said stiffly, standing up to look out the window, his back to the other boys. "I don't know about _your_ mum, Peter, but mine always taught me to respect people who were different, even if I didn't identify with them. She taught me about _accepting_ diversity." Remus turned around quickly, his eyes meeting theirs furiously. "What about _your_ mum?"

"The same," James muttered, ashamed. "But it's not really the same, now, is it?"

"And why not?" James muttered something incomprehensible.

"After all, being a werewolf is different than say…having orange hair, but I want people to accept me just as much as an orange haired person would. It's _exactly_ the same."

Silence filled the compartment for the first time since the others had joined Remus in it. Seconds stretched to an eternity until finally Sirius spoke.

"That's our Remus. Speaking up for what he knows is right. Good for you," he said, standing and clapping him on the shoulder. "Come sit down with us again, huh? We're sorry." Remus smiled and sunk into his seat.

"Yeah, you're right," James muttered, looking ashamed as he pushed his glasses up his nose. "I can't imagine ever…you know, having orange hair, but I guess no one's asking me to."

"Sorry." Peter muttered. "But anyway. it's not as if we have to worry about it. None of us are like that."

_Wrong_.

**November 1975**

Remus lay on his bed, stretched in a wholly comfortable way, slowly drifting into the deepest of sleeps. His hazel eyes were closed, but even if they hadn't been, his sandy hair fell into his eyes, and he wouldn't have been able to see anyway. He loose t-shirt and green-gray sweater were very comfortable…very warm…and…very sleep inducing. He felt his wakefulness slipping.

Almost as soon as slumber had claimed him, a dream began to unfold, a dream he was sure he'd had before.

_A slowly turning carousel sped up until Remus was certain he was going to be sick. Up and down…up and down…he was sure it would never stop. He was thrown from his horse, which, curiously enough, seemed to be alive. The horse was dauntingly silver, he noticed as he flew threw the air, gleaming life the moon. Arms encircled his waist as he fell, trying to keep him from flying straight off the merry-go-round. The horses tossed their heads and bared their teeth, suddenly becoming wolves which escaped the bars that held them in place and came towards him. He turned in the arms of his rescuer, pushing his head into his strong neck, only to feel almost manly hands run through his hair. A deep voice whispered softly, reassuring him. He looked up, only to find himself in the arms of a tall man, face shadowy and unseen, but profile handsome._

_Even in his dream he felt a sense of fear because this just wasn't done and because this would make him even more abnormal. His hands didn't seem to be following this train of thought as he lay them against the man's face, stroking the smooth taunt skin, feeling the barely there stubble. The man pulled his hand through Remus's hair again, eliciting a shivering gasp from him. Through half closed lids, Remus stared up at him, trying to make out the obscure face. Slowly, it came into focus, but before he could place the gray eyes, dark hair framing the strong boned faced, the man kissed him, and he knew nothing besides the sensations that filled him…_

Jerking awake, Remus found his face red and hot, among other things. The other Marauders had just tramped up the stairs and Remus could only think in panic that he needed- absolutely needed!- to avoid them. But trust between the Marauders had never amounted to anything bad, and suddenly, what he wanted more than anything was someone to be there for him while he tried to work out what was going on in his mind.

"Guys?" he asked hesitantly from behind his curtain after a few minutes of listening to them stumble around, trying and failing to be quiet. His curtain was ripped back, revealing Sirius only half-clothed, James trying to flatten his stubborn hair, and Peter studying frantically, albeit at the last minute.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, voice muffled because he was attempting to pull a too-small t-shirt over his head.

"That shirt is too small," Remus offhandedly commented, part of him wanting to put off the conversation, the other part infuriated that he was trying.

"It's the style. I could be wearing a leotard!"

"You've already got the eyeliner down," James muttered.

"But that's not what I wanted to talk about," Remus said hastily. "It's just- I mean-"

"C'mon, Remus, we're listening," James said kindly, sitting down on the bed across from Remus's with the others. Remus felt a bit more nervous, knowing that they were facing him, like a jury against the accused-

He shook the thought from his mind and took a deep breath.

"When you found out about me being a werewolf, I was…ashamed. Of what I was. But then you made me stop. And then I was ashamed that I hadn't told you, that I hadn't trusted you enough to tell you myself. So I want to tell you about something that just happened to me, but I'm scared that you'll…hate me."

"Go on Remus," James said kindly, even though Peter was chewing his nails nervously and Sirius was staring at Remus in a frightening way.

"Okay, you all gotta promise to not judge me…"

"Promise."

"All right. I just had this dream…" Remus described it to them in a quiet, halting voice. He didn't meet they're eyes and they didn't meet his.

"Are you saying you're gay?" James asked calmly.

"I don't know. That's what I need from you guys."

"You want us to kiss you and see if it turns you on?" Sirius asked, grinning slyly.

"_No!_" Remus said, blushing furiously.

"Aw, c'mon Remus, you know you want me," Sirius implored, taking great pleasure in watching Remus squirm uncomfortably. James hit him on the arm.

"Quiet," he said with an eye roll. "At this point, your sexuality isn't questionable at all." This remark was made very pointedly. Sirius stuck his tongue out childishly, but the glare he gave James was true.

"I don't want you to do anything," Remus hastened to explain, throwing Sirius a withering glance. "I just want you to be here for me. So that when I do figure out…figure out who I am, you'll have helped me."

"Well, if one day you wake up with orange hair, we'll get the symbolism," Peter quipped.

"But if you're having…doubts, isn't it more than likely that you are gay?" Sirius asked tactlessly.

James rolled his eyes.

"C'mon, didn't anyone ever give you the hormone talk?" James asked him exasperated.

"Well yeah, but they never said anything like 'for the brief period of time while your body is catching up with your hormones you will be attracted to both sexes and will figure out which sex you're most affiliated with once you have stopped maturing'!"

"Well maybe not in so many words-" James sighed, exasperated.

"Where would that leave bisexuals, eh?" Sirius spit at him.

"Oh, just because you like to fancy yourself everyone's lover doesn't mean you really have figured anything out-" James muttered under his breath.

"Oh, what do you know? It's not like I'd ever do you-" Sirius said bitingly.

"Pardon me?"

"You're pardoned. Go, leave-"

"Sirius Orion Black!" James yelled, his glasses slipping down his nose.

"GUYS!" Peter yelled loudly, causing the other two to glance around guiltily and sink back into their respective spots. "What do you think you want to be, Remus?" Peter asked kindly.

A heavy silence filled the room.

"If I knew, I guess I'd have the answer," Remus contemplated.

"You know," Sirius said thoughtfully. "It's going to be quite the struggle for you. If you are, I mean. It was going to be hard enough to find someone who liked you despite your monthly problem. Now you'll have to find a gay guy who doesn't mind."

Wishing life were not so complicated, he sighed. "Yes, I suppose that would be very difficult."

_Wrong_.

**February, 1975**

"I _knew_ it!" James gasped, jumping from his chair and pointing at Sirius, ignoring the looks the students in the peaceful common room were giving him. Lily Evans gave a harrumph and muttered something about boys being a distraction to quality homework time. James chortled and lowered his voice, dancing eyes taking in the sheepishly smiling Sirius.

"I knew it, I knew it!" he sang in a stage whisper. Sirius cuffed him over the head.

"Yes, well, quit gloating and talk to me," Sirius said in exasperation. Then- "how did you know?"

"'Cause you ogle Moony when he comes out of the shower wearing only a towel and all wet and stuff," James said simply. Sirius uncharacteristically blushed.

"No I don't," he denied to Remus. "Never. Without your consent." Remus hit him, his own cheeks slightly pink.

"You do!" James said. "'Cause you feel comfortable ogling him knowing there's a chance he could be ogling you back 'cause you know Moony's a guy-ogler!"

"Thank you for your oh-so-elegant way of putting it, James," Remus said with a shake of his head.

"But it's the truth! You told us you had it figured out and weren't confused anymore and- oh, that's off the point!" He turned back to Sirius, whose sheepish grin was growing. "But I knew you couldn't be just, you know, straight orange, because you like to peek at the girls when we run laps for quidditch practice! Yeah, I know the real reason you come to those! Not exactly to support me, now is it?"

Sirius grinned and Remus sighed. It was only Sirius who could make a simple grin seem so delightfully dirty. His eyebrows raised, his eyes took on a seductively suggestive sheen, and his Adam's apple bobbed ever so slightly. Even his hair joined in those grins, by swaying alluringly into his eyes. That grin had won over several dozen women around Hogwarts and Sirius's self-pronounced bisexuality wouldn't stop that, Remus was sure. If anything, it would only make him more coveted, by the girls who found his inability to choose sexy and by any male members of the student body who swung that way.

Sirius heard Remus's sigh but when he glanced over, he found his friend staring off into space, apparently completely focused on his thoughts.

"So what are you going to do about it?" James asked Sirius, watching with interest as Sirius's gray eyes darkened while looking at Remus, who seemed to have left the conversation some time ago.

"Oh-" Sirius said quickly, turning back to James. "I don't know. Smile bewitchingly at everyone, until some poor guy looses control and we have a snog fest. That'll give everyone the idea."

"You'd have to be seen snogging a girl only a few hours later, so as to not make them think you're totally orange," James mused thoughtfully.

"Well that can be arranged," Peter pointed out. "Everyone loves you. S'not like it'll be hard for you." Sirius and James missed the bitterness in his voice, but Remus did.

"Hey Pete, don't be like that," he said quickly. "You'll find someone. It's better to be like you, waiting for the right person, than to be like Sirius, not caring if he detests them or not, just shagging them all."

"You make it sound like a it's bad thing to have numerous partners," Sirius said hurtfully.

"It wouldn't be if you actually were attracted to the person," Remus explained. "But it's not like you really like them and are dating them. You're just a one-night stand."

"Well maybe if I find someone who I really like I'll give it all up," Sirius said snootily.

"But how are you going to know if you waste all your time running after a different person every night? You're not. You'd have to take a break from all that and actually become friends with someone," James expressed pointedly, throwing an odd glance at Remus, who furrowed his eyebrows and gave him a weird look back.

"It's so weird," Peter articulated his thoughts. "I mean, what, ten percent of the population are homosexual? What's the chance that both you two are? Not that it's a bad thing," he rushed to explain. "Just unlikely. Almost seems like it's not really real. Like I'm dreaming a really weird dream."

"The odds _are_ slim," James admitted.

"Now just imagine if we end up dating!" Sirius voiced, throwing a joking arm around Remus, who shrugged it off. He didn't want jokes. He wanted Sirius. And with Sirius's teasing attitude, it was obvious he hadn't _really_ considered it.

"Not going to happen," he said.

_Wrong_.

**September 1976**

"Oomph!" Remus gasped as one hundred and forty-five pounds of tall muscle-y man collided with him as he came out of the shower, wrapped only in a towel. It wasn't an accident either.

"Sirius what are you- Oh!" Remus said, promptly shutting up as that one hundred and forty-five pounds kissed him as gently and sensually as possible. Without stopping to wonder what was going on, Remus opened his mouth slightly and let his own hands drift to Sirius's shining ebony hair, feeling the way the curled softly near his neck. Sirius trailed little kisses down his collar bone, make Remus shiver and have trouble gripping his towel so that it didn't fall right to the floor. As much as he was enjoying this (and he was enjoying it quite a lot) he wasn't sure he wanted to be in such a compromising position with his very best friend who was currently tongue wrestling with him.

"Sirius!" He gasped against the other's mouth.. "What _are_ we doing?"

"I would have thought that it is obvious that we're engaging in the pleasurable activity of kissing!"

Remus tried to push him away, but his mind was too ensnared by Sirius's kisses to be logical.

"Sirius, stop! No, don't! What am I saying, stop!"

Sirius drew back slightly to rest his forehead against Remus's, allowing his alluring gray eyes to roam over Remus's rapidly coloring face.

"What are you doing?" Remus finally managed to hiss. "Besides kissing me. I mean-wha…why?"

"Because you're amazing and I like you and I wanted to let you know. Because I wanted to kiss you!"

Remus looked at Sirius, trying to find the emotion he was looking for in his eyes. But all he saw reflected there was lust, raw, cold lust, and Remus knew he didn't get it.

"I don't want your passion Padfoot. I want your commitment." He pushed away. "And you're never going to be able to give me that."

_Wrong_.

**December 31st, 1976**

"Did you have a good Christmas Moony?" Sirius asked him as the two lounged at the top of the astronomy tower, watching the fireworks in the distance. The townspeople of Hogsmeade were really putting on a show, and students had been clamoring for the chance to watch them for several weeks now. Dumbledore, true to his nature, had not let them down, promising them a chance to roam about the castle on New Years Eve.

"Quite nice," Remus said briskly, staring at a brilliant shower of orange sparks.

Sirius sighed. Every since the horrid kissing disaster, Remus had been as nonchalant as ever, though slightly cold. It was as though he were afraid to get to close to Sirius again.

"You did have fun, didn't you?" Sirius asked pleadingly. "I mean, I know everyone else went home for vacation and it was just us, but- you did like it, right?"

Remus turned towards Sirius, saw the pleading in his eyes. Something became clear in his mind; by avoiding Sirius he was only showing that the kiss had got to him, and not being friendly was hurting Sirius more than Remus could ever want to. He grinned.

"Yes, I enjoyed it. Honestly, Padfoot, I did. I loved my gift."

Sirius grinned. He had loved Remus's gift too. A muggle device that played some amazing music; Sirius giving him a singing rendition of it, atop a table in the common room.

"You're such a ham, Sirius," Remus laughed suddenly as if knowing what he had been thinking.

"But I did it all for you, Moony," he said. In the distance, he heard the beginnings of a count down to the new year. There were still several minutes, but Hogsmeaders were an anxious group.

"Yeah, sure," Remus said, but he was grinning.

"Moony?" Sirius hesitated. "I'm sorry about…you know. _That incident_."

Remus looked at him, hazel eyes taking on a moss green sheen in the night light. "S'okay Sirius. You and I just want different things in relationships. That is, I want a relationship. You just want a shag."

"But that's not true!" Sirius denied quickly. Seeing Remus's eyebrow shoot up, he amended. "Well, it is, but not when it comes to you." He blushed then as Remus turned to face him.

"What do you mean?" He voiced carefully.

"I mean that I haven't been able to kiss anyone since I kissed you, let alone have sex with them! I mean that when I see you get up in the morning I find myself admiring the way you walk, the way you brush your teeth, even the way you grumble about the sunlight. I mean that I daydream about you doing the most insignificant things, like studying, or drinking, because all that makes up who you are. I mean that I think I actually like you, not just lust after you. I mean that…I wish I could date you. For real. And I'm scared! I'm scared Remus, 'cause I've never liked someone so much that I wanted to date them, and you're one of my best friends and I don't want to ruin that. I'm scared because I'm afraid you're going to reject me."

Remus stared at him, the question in his eyes as readable as if words had been literally etched into them._ Are you for real?_ They were saying. _Do you really mean all that?_

Slowly, Remus leaned forward to lay his head against Sirius's chest. He felt a splatter of liquid fall onto the back of his neck, and knew it wasn't rain. His own eyes swam with tears. He raised his head to look at Sirius, the man who had just poured his soul out to him, and let one hand drift to his hair, stroking it softly before leaning into akiss.

"Three, Two, ONE! Happy New Year!" The crowd sang, jerking them from each other.

"Happy New Year, Sirius," Remus said softly.

"Happy New Year. I promise, I'll never hurt you like I did before. Never."

_Wrong_.

**April 1976**

Remus wouldn't, couldn't, _refused_ to look at him. He didn't need to see the worthless scum, with his _shining_ black hair and _beautiful_ face and- he didn't even need to be thinking about him!

Sirius watched as Remus's face contorted, before he turned his back to him. Why oh why had he ever sent Snape to the willow? Why was it that he couldn't ever keep his big mouth shut? He'd promised Remus, promised him that he would never hurt him again. Why had he gone and sent their whole relationship down Moaning Myrtle's toilet?

"Remus," he whispered softly to the blue sweater back, and watched as Remus's muscles tensed. He'd heard him, but he was ignoring him. "Remus." He muttered softly again, all pleads and tears and trembling hands.

"I'm sorry," Remus heard behind him but he _couldn't_ turn, _wouldn't_ turn! The boy had betrayed him, and that in itself was the worst thing that he could have done because it affected not only their relationship but their friendship. James looked at him, his eyes dull.

"Don't worry about it Remus, it's okay," James said soothingly. "It seems dark now, but eventually the pain will-"

"What, lessen? I don't think so."

"No," James said softly. "The pain will always be there, but you'll learn to store it away." Remus shook his head.

"I hope you're right," he said and then shifted, his bones creaking in a satisfying way. "I've got something important to talk to you guys about."

"Oh?" Peter asked, looking up sharply. "Is anything wrong?"

"No, not really," Remus said quickly. "It's just…I don't want you guys coming with me anymore. When I transform."

"WHAT?" Three voices chorused, and the three of them turned to glare at Sirius, who was very much not part of the conversation, thank you very much.

"It's too risky!" Remus rushed to explain. "I've just about killed a man who I don't even like and feel I awful about it. If I were to hurt one of you guys…well, it would be awful and I just wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"But, but, b-but-" Peter stuttered.

"I'm sorry," Remus wailed. "I know how hard you worked to become animagi and help me, honestly, I appreciate it and it's not gone to waste, now you can do loads more things than you could before…I'm so sorry to have wasted your time…"

"It's not that," James scoffed. "It's the fact that when we're not there, you bloody yourself up."

"James, _please_. I was doing it for several years before you came along. I can deal with the pain."

"But you shouldn't have to," James said angrily.

"James, please. Don't come. I won't be responsible for what happens if you do come. You know that the wolf has its mind made up just as much as I do."

He got up and walked away, leaving three people gaping after him.

"You're not going to let him do this, are you James?" Sirius asked frantically, clenching a hand around his once-best friend's arm.

James glared at him.

"Why? It's not like _you_ care about his well being. You've shown that quite well, I think," he said coldly, before standing and walking towards the dorm as well. Peter hastened to follow. Sirius gaped after them.

"Just because you're mad at _me_ doesn't mean you can't talk some sense into _him_!" Sirius called after them, before he buried his face in his hands.

James sighed, sitting on his bed and running his fingers through his all ready messy hair.

"Remus," he called to the drawn curtains. "Come out. I'm not going to try and persuade you. I can see it's hopeless." Remus stuck his head out of a gap in the crimson hanging, and then pulled the curtains open.

"And what are you going to try and convince me about, James?" Remus asked.

"You know me too well," James said with a small grin. "Sirius betrayed you. In a way, he betrayed us all. And I know that that is generally unforgivable." Remus nodded stiffly. "But by not forgiving him, we are being just as unfeeling as he was."

"I would never betray Sirius," Remus said stiffly.

"But we _are_," James said softly, and Remus's eyes darkened. "And we're betraying ourselves."

Remus sighed.

"Another day, perhaps. For now, let's let him suffer, just a bit more," he said nastily.

"The longer he suffers the more _we_ do," Peter muttered around his cookie.

Remus growled low in his throat. It was too close too the full moon and to the whomping willow incident for Remus to be dissuaded by logic. James shook his head but let it go, knowing full well Remus would come to on his own terms.

The month passed incredibly quickly and before any of the Marauders could comprehend, the full moon was again approaching, and Remus had yet to relinquish his anger at Sirius. James, whose hope had been that by forgiving Sirius, Remus would say it was okay for them to come with him to the shack again, was nearly in hysterics.

"This is not good, not good, not good!" He raved, every part of him wishing for a loophole. Sirius was lying on his own bed, and though he was still not in the best of graces, James and Peter were at least cordial to him. Hearing James's words, he raised his head and glared at the unoffending wall, wishing there was something he could do, but knowing he'd done quite enough.

Finally, he couldn't take it much longer and got up from the bed.

"Prongs, can I please use your invisibility cloak?" He asked calmly. James looked up at him. It was the first time he had used the nickname since the fight, and James had half a mind to not stop him on that alone. But he knew better.

"Sirius, he'll tear you apart," James said kindly. "You know how the wolf is when it's set against someone-"

"He hates me already. Let him tear me apart rather than himself," Sirius said.

"He'll feel awful," James pointed out.

"But you know he's going to have surrendered to the wolf more than normal tonight," Sirius pointed out. "His memory will be sketchy, at best! He won't remember and I'm not going to tell him."

"Then I'm going with you," James decided.

"And me as well," Peter jumped in.

"And risk him hating you if he does remember? And risk all three of us being bloodied up and him noticing? You guys know I need to be the one to go. I have to repay him for the pain I've caused him. Please, let me do it." James gave him the cloak.

Sirius surely ran faster than he ever had in his life, the cloak in danger of flying right over his head. When he reached the willow, he knew he wouldn't be able to reach the knot, even in dog form. Just as hastily, he ran to the forbidden forest, found a long branch, and froze the tree in minutes. Taking the cloak with him, he crept halfway down the tunnel before hiding the cloak in a nook and transforming. Then, with renewed vigor, he ran to his Remus, coming up through the trapdoor gracelessly. What he saw scared him to death.

Moony was pounding himself again and again against the bed chamber, his eyes wild. Immediately he sensed Padfoot and whirled around. He seemed to recognized him as a member of the pack, but even so, Padfoot knew he would know no mercy. Moony was still thoroughly pissed. Launching himself across the room, he immediately sunk his claws into Padfoot's back.

Padfoot yelped and threw himself backwards, landing the wolf underneath of him in a way that infuriated it greatly. Jerking his head out from under the dog, Moony laid his ears back, showed his sharp teeth, and lunged.

Padfoot jerked away at the last minute, scrambling from one room to the next. The wolf was just a step behind, always, no matter if he slowed down or sped up, and he realized he was being played with. But somewhere in his mind he realized Moony would not kill him, no matter his anger, for he was his part of his pack and his mate.

Moony didn't know why he was so angry with his pack member, only that he was, and he could not overcome the feeling. He could feel his human side, struggling to arise, but the human was angry as well and that just gave the wolf more fuel to attack, more chance of gaining control.

Padfoot found himself cornered and whirled around rapidly, raising his lips in fight, though it was quite a lost one. When Moony went to lunge at his throat, he turned suddenly, bashing his ribs into the nose of his mate, who yelped and drew back in shock. A hit to the muzzle hurt more than a bleeding gash; it sent pain from inside your body shooting up your head. Moony drew back, confused and whining. The weakness didn't last for long, however. Anger replaced his pain and he snapped at the dog, barely missing his throat.

Padfoot knew the night was too long. He didn't think he could take it. He lay down in sudden surrender, his legs aching. Moony rushed at him. Knocking into his side in almost a don't-give-up way, the wolf grabbed his neck and dragged him to his feet. Fight like an Alpha, he was saying, but Sirius was too weary. Moony snapped at him and watched as Padfoot threw himself back further against the wall, his head pounding. The hit to his head was enough to make him feel faint. All it took was one good lunge at him and he went down.

Immediately, Moony stopped. His senses regained. He could not kill one of his own, for Padfoot had acquiesced; he was willing to die! Moony had gotten his revenge for his pain. Their grievances against one another were now equal and cancelled each other out. He retreated into a back corner and curled up, keeping an appraising eye on his mate. Soon, he was asleep.

When morning came, Remus was awakened by a sharp yelp of pain- his own as he converted back. His bones crunched tiredly, his muscles stretched to impossible lengths, his excess hair seemed to disappear right off of him. When he transformed back, he found himself shivering and nearly naked, his clothes hanging off him, ripped from the previous night's transformation.

He glanced around the room to see how bad the night had been. His memory was blank. To his shock he saw a shaggy black dog lying limply on its side. His heart stopped. The thing did not seem to be moving.

But then Padfoot stirred and tensed, as if gathering the very last of his power. He transformed back to human shape sluggishly. Remus gasped and crawled on his hands towards the boy. Suddenly, his heart felt no hatred towards him and it was all Remus could do to keep from calling out.

The effort to get to Sirius had been a tough one, and upon reaching him, Remus sunk to the ground and lay facing his lover. Black hair was matted with blood and stuck to a cut above his left eyebrow. Sirius shifted wearily, his loose robe falling open. Remus saw bruises laced across his entire chest. Both of Sirius's eyes were black and he gripped a spot towards the back of his head as if the insides would fall.

"Oh Sirius, I could have killed you," he whispered.

"I know," Sirius said in a raspy voice. "I wanted to let you hurt me."

"No!" Remus gasped, tears surfacing. "No…I never wanted to hurt you…"

"The wolf did though. He wanted revenge so that we would be equal."

"You know me too well," Remus said. "You're a mess!"

"You've got a swollen nose," Sirius said, giving a weak chuckle and then clutching his ribs with a groan. He reached towards Remus and stroked his face.

"I'm so sorry about what happened. Please, you must believe me," he whispered. "I'll never betray you again, honest! You'll never even think it."

_Wrong_.

**June 1995**

A nudge on the door caused Remus to look up from his book quizzically. He heard it again; a knock on the door, but uncoordinated and clumsy, as if the person knocking didn't have full use of their hands.

Or didn't have hands at all.

Remus jumped to his feet and rushed to the door, opening it carefully. Something brushed against his ankles and he turned, leaning against the door as he did to close it. Padfoot sat on the floor; thin and shaggy, ribs sticking through his messy black hair. Remus turned towards the kitchen, avoiding his eyes.

"I'll make some tea," he said quietly. "And some chicken."

Padfoot gave a weak bark and curled up in front of the fire, warming his back. Remus watched him through sad, nervous eyes and went into the kitchen. Quickly, he pulled all the left-over food out of the refrigerator and warmed it with his wand. Tea was soon brewing on the stove, boiling quietly.

He entered the main room again, his footsteps alerting Padfoot of his arrival. Padfoot raised his shaggy head and sighed in a most-human like way, before standing and transforming.

"It'll be done in a few minutes," Remus said cordially. Sirius nodded and Remus belatedly thought that he might have preferred brandy after what he'd been through. Too late, he thought forlornly, as the tea kettle began to whistle. He stole away into the kitchen, Sirius slinking after him.

Sirius was quick to sit down at the table and inhale the food. Remus watched him, concerned and rather disgusted, not at the rate he was making the food disappear but at how thin he was.

"Voldemort's back," Sirius said gravely between bites. "Amos Diggory's boy died during his rebirth. Our dear friend Wormtail, of course, both lost and gained something out of the whole. A hand for a hand, friendship for protection."

"Dumbledore told me," Remus said quickly. In Sirius's eyes he thought he saw a flash of the old Sirius, indignant that he had not been the first to relate the news.

"He thought…that I should know. So that we could do other things. Not that we would! I mean…he thought you and I might have other things to discuss. Like the old days," Remus scrambled. "I mean, Lily and James. And…pranks. On other people. And…stuff."

"Stuff," Sirius sighed pathetically. "And that is what this has been reduced to. We were once best friends, you and I, James…and the rat. And we were in love. Or were we? Now, we can't even embrace when meeting for the first time in years. Instead, we talk about _stuff_."

Remus looked away, his heart aching from Sirius's crushing words.

"Let's not quarrel," Remus said. "Eat. We'll talk later."

But they didn't. Sirius went to go take a much needed shower, and then collapsed into bed, the scent of cold water fresh about him. Remus settled back in his chair and tried to read, knowing he would be sleeping out here tonight and probably for several weeks. Things just weren't going how he'd imagined they would.

A year before, when Remus had seen Sirius on the map, along with Peter Pettigrew's name, he had felt so hopeful. There, at last, was proof that the Sirius he loved was not who the world thought. And when they had embraced in the Shrieking Shack, everything had felt so right. But he should have realized that Sirius's hatred towards Peter would not disperse when Peter was not in sight, should have smelt the bitterness and the cold and the dark depression then and known that it wouldn't fade. He had smelt it on himself that night as well; their first chance in meeting after thirteen years and all they could talk about was murder. He had though it would be different once they were out of that situation, but it was obvious he was wrong. Without that fire of hatred , there was nothing in Sirius at all.

"If only we could just go back," Remus whispered into the night. "I wouldn't even ask for when we were in love- if that's what it was. If only we could have the friendship we had before."

"We were in love, weren't we Moony?" A husky voice asked from the hall. Remus started and jerked around. Sirius looked as pensive as he, but anxious too.

"I thought we were."

"And what do you think now?"

"I don't know."

"Love doesn't die, Remus. If it was true and unwavering and real, and we always claimed it was, then it shouldn't matter how long we've been apart." Sirius whispered.

"But?" Remus asked, fearing.

"But it does matter. We can both feel it."

Remus bowed his head, ignoring the compelling scent of Sirius. The smell was coming closer; like a heavy vanilla incense. Remus looked away, but then Sirius was there, in front of him. His hair was still wet and crumpled, falling in straight strands down over his haunted eyes.

"I still love you," Sirius whispered. "Even if…I'm scared."

Slowly Remus embraced him, his own tears coming rough and fast, his breath choking him as it caught in his throat, his body trembling.

"That's why things are awkward," Remus meant to say, but it came out a question. "Because you're…scared? Of what?"

"Of being touched," Sirius whispered. "Of being hurt again. I long for you in my heart and body and head, but…"

"You want to protect yourself," Remus whispered. Carefully he kissed Sirius, slowly and with scarcely any pressure, like one would kiss a delicate virgin, pulling away before it could get to scary and watching as the eyes of the man across from him lit up, if only for a second. And then Sirius cried in his quiet, Sirius way, so that the tears slipped down his nose almost unnoticeably and the skin around is eyes faded to pink and his breathing became deep and desperate.

And then he whispered, probably more for his benefit than Remus's, "I won't ever leave you, ever again."

_That was the most wrong thing of all._


End file.
